Ever wish that you could close your eyes for a few minutes, then reopen them to a miraculously new life? Well, that would be me today. I don’t feel like shouting out at the world, “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?”, but if I could hide within the walls of my apartment, I would. *sigh*….
Life feels like a bomb has exploded in my heart, and there are broken pieces everywhere.
Sorry, it’s been a bad day. If you could hear my inner thoughts, maybe you would understand. But it’s a scary place in there, as I’m sure it is for a few of you as well. No one’s life is perfect. All of our hearts have been broken at one time or another. But today would just about qualify for the nut house, and I’d be running to it, knocking down the front doors to let me in. But I can’t lose it. I have too much to lose. I’m not talking about material things either, those don’t matter.
We all have scars, some are terrible scars that we either share with a chosen few, or keep to ourselves. Maybe because there’s the fear of wondering if you are going to be judged for your past, or because letting someone into the most private parts of the past opens up the doors to things that one would rather just forget. And sometimes, we allow the wrong people into our hearts, into our lives. It could even be our own family members that are toxic to ones state of mind.
I have those fears about my past. Not often, but when those fears surface, it’s so painful. I’ve used a whole box of tissue because I couldn’t stop crying. But, I’ve discovered today that no matter how much I tell myself that it’s all okay, it’s really not. You can’t just take a bath or a shower and wash them away. Sometimes it helps to talk about it, but getting the right words out while you’re hurting can be too hard to do.
But the strange thing I’ve realized, is that as sad as my story is, it’s not unusual. I’m not “special”, and neither are my problems. And I refuse to let it or anyone else make me feel stupid, or worthless, or like I’m a bad person for not allowing myself to be sucked into someone else’s world of selfishness and self pity. I don’t hold any resentment for what I’ve been through, not at all. I mean, what’s the point of that?
Living through bad experiences can sometimes (not all the time) make us better people.
So, although it’s been a bad, bad, bad, damn AWFUL day….it’s not the end of the world. I’m still here, trying to convince myself that things will get better. Things may not have the “happy little ending” that I’d like to have, but it’s okay. It will be okay. The Partridge Family we are not.
And call me crazy, but sometimes, it’s still hard to not love those that have hurt you. Doesn’t mean you have to like them, but I believe that you can love someone and not like the person that they really are. That’s the thing about emotions, they really don’t have a strong sense of reasoning. Especially when it comes to love. You may be able to completely vanish someone out of your life, but some of the love remains. It’s okay to treasure the happy memories.
And that’s my problem. There are people that are in my life, who shouldn’t be, but I can’t change this fact, and I have both a hate and love relationship with them. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make these relationships more stable, but nothing works. It’s like talking to motionless figures that only want to take and take from me until I’m nothing left but bones.
It leaves me almost limp. Destroyed. Wondering if I’m wrong….but I’m not. I’m shaking as I type, but that’s just one of the negative effects of realizing that something is wrong and needs to change.
Among the clouds of doubt, there is a light that shines through.
Sometimes, the ones that you hold closest to your heart, has to be yourself if you are going to survive. Sometimes, we have to rescue ourselves from disappearing forever.